Finally, after two weeks of me being disconnected from the world, NPR's strike has come to an end. Which, amazingly, is bigger news than anything on the program this morning.
Apparently I didn't miss much for the past two weeks, as all I learned today were the shocking revelations that Israel is having peace problems and Roman Catholic priests like to screw altar boys. No shit.
Why this is considered news worthy is beyond me. They might as well send out a special late-breaking news bulletin that I'm fat:
"This is Carl Kassel from the NPR newsroom in Washington. This just in: NIH scientists, after a 23 year comprehensive study, have announced this morning that Dave Maez is a fat bastard. When asked how this could be, researchers shrugged and guessed, 'Maybe he had too many donuts?'"
Actually the most interesting bit of news I got from all of this is that Pope John Paul II is still alive! Granted, he's 81 and my great grandma's 90-something (yeah, I'm a bad grandson), but granny ain't running an entire religion, she's quilting.
He's been shot, had ass cancer, and now he's even managed to survive the embarrassment of having to scold his child molesting priests in public. That's some serious job dedication, though, personally, I'd rather be quilting.
Come to think of it, he must have the crappiest job in the world. Even my friend Eric's stint working in the pump-and-dump industry was better, because at least when the truck exploded and crap rained down upon him, he could quit. The pope doesn't get to quit, he has to work until he dies.
And when Eric was getting covered in shit, there were no snipers taking pot shots at him. If Eric had also decided to make a fag joke, it would have been cool because he was covered in shit and could get away with it (and because fag jokes are often funny). However, if the Pope makes a fag joke, he gets a Vatican full of angry men with lisps and tight pants.
Poor Pope. All he wants is for mankind to love each other (and for men to stop loving each other). In an effort to be more papal, I've decided to start promoting global unity.
Today I received an email from a foreigner who was confused as to why I had sent him an email. I hadn't sent him an email, so I helped him get to the bottom of things.
From: David Marquès [mailto:david-marques@caramail.com] Sent: Monday, April 29, 2002 7:22 AM To: dmaez Subject: Re: PM,14944,2.22.00.0000 what are this files ? and who are you ? > -------Message d'origine------- > De : dmaez <dmaez@xxxxxxxxx.com> > Date : 26/04/2002 19:43:47 > > ---- Attachement - files.exe ---- > > ---- Attachement - files.txt ---- > ______________________________________________________ Envoyez des messages musicaux sur le portable de vos amis http://mobile.lycos.fr/mobile/local/sms_musicaux/ ______________________________________________________ Boîte aux lettres - Caramail - http://www.caramail.com
I thought about my reply for a while. I figured because of the language difference I'd have to be concise so as not to confuse him:
To: David Marquès [mailto:david-marques@caramail.com] Subject: Re: PM,14944,2.22.00.0000 Damnit, frog, don't ever email me. You're added to my kill file.
I sent that message and started to think that maybe that wasn't in the best interest of global unity. I also have no idea why I seem to dislike the French. So I thought to myself, "What would the Pope do?"
I pondered this for a long time, as I had to get inside the Pope's head, "... Hmmm... I hate gay men... hmmm... I like funny hats... ummm... My car completely kicks ass... hmmm... I drink a whole lot of wine..."
I gave up after about an hour of this because all I could think of was to get drunk and molest some altar boys.